The reasons to my grieving... ...

I guess I'm almost ready to share with you guys my grieve that I was in for the past 1 week... ...

The entry of very very sad and birthday that was never celebrated... ... didn't reveal much cause I wasn't any ready to share with anyone, except 2 of my very very close friends and an online friend who happened to see my MSN PM and msg me... ... but I didn't reveal much either. Only 2 of my BEST and CLOSED Friends know what is going on... ...

The reason to all my grieve and sadness was... ... my girl girl left me... to a better place I hope, where there is no sickness and no death.

She was in poor health for the past 1-2 weeks, apparently more so after she "ran away". For the past few times, she was able to recover from her sickness on her own but this time round, she couldn't make it.

That day when she left us, I was doing overtime work at my workplace. Don't know why, things always happen when I decided to stay back to do work. I even went to see if I can get dog's diaper because she was leaking... I couldn't find at the pet shop and thus just decided to get the normal baby's diaper, happily going home.... just to realize that she has left us for good. My dad also bought her some snack.

I was terribly sad when I was told that my girl girl left us. I don't even want to peek at her body which my dad placed her in the plastic bag in the kitchen. Walked a few times to the kitchen but my eyes were on the plastic bag... yet I avoided to take a step anywhere near it.

I even bathe super early that day. For those who knew me, knows that I bathe super late at night. That day, I bathed at 8pm. Because, I needed a place to be alone. I have no room of my own.... nowhere to cry.... and I don't want to be seen crying....

It was a LONG LONG bathe.... or rather..... a long long cry.......

It was a slient night too. Whole night I just sat in front of my laptop.... tears just flowed at the thought of my dog. When I heard footsteps outside, I will always look at my dog to see if she will bark. This time no difference.... the only difference was this time..... there was no bark and no sight of her. Though it has been a week since she has left, I still teared when I was wtiting this.

It was a terrible day to go to work on Friday, trying to bury myself in work, so that I will be so busy that I will forget about her. I didn't even share it with my colleagues as I didn't want it to affect my work. Just as I was at work, doing my paperwork and writing the date. I came to realise that girl girl left on the day which is the birthday we had given her.

Since that day, everything has changed. Though she has gone, I still cannot change my habit of waiting to be greet by her everytime I reaches home and I will say "up" and she will just leap and put her 2 of her front paws on my thigh and I will pet her.

I seriously needed to be alone, where I can just cry my heart out. House wasn't a place. And I decided to go to have a run at bedok reservior. I guess it was a wrong choice. Upon reaching, I saw a few dogs. I can't help but reminded of girl girl and teared. I started my "jog" and memories just appeared in my mind....

The only thing that stopped me thinking of her was when I was feeling breathless and grasping for air when I was crying and jogging at the same time. I guess people who ran past me must be wondering what has happened. Seriously, one shouldn't try running if you want to cry or when you cry and vice versa.

I just couldn't share this with anyone. The hurt and the pain of the lost is just too much to bear.

I guess I will still take a while more to get over it. Afterall, she has been with us for more than 5 years. I guess that's why the best and worse thing is attachment.

I'll be strong though..... all these are just part and parcel of life.....

But it will take a long time before I'm ready to get a new pet again......

Anyway, thanks Alvin and H2O for being there for me, to listen to my grieving.